On Jan 17, 2:32*pm, The Daring Dufas the-daring-du...@stinky-
finger.net wrote:
It's snowing here in Alabamastan, we're all gonna die! O_o

TDD
DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER


December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season
and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window
watching
the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma
Moses
Print. So romantic: we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!


December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering
every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a
lovelier
place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever
had.
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did
both
our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came
along and
covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to
shovel
again. What a perfect life.


December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a
white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll
have
so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow
again.
l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's
our
neighbor.


December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped
too.
The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away,
but I
warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
The
snow plow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I
didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll
certainly get
back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.


December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes
out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.


December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in
the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
hour...
which I think was very cruel.


December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate
it
when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own
living
room.


December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff
last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snow plow came by
twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too
busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware
store
around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
Another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have
to
shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's
lying.


December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of
the white shjt fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt
till
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel
and
then I had to ****. By the time I got undressed, ****ed and dressed
again, I
was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck
for
the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the a$$hole
is
lying.


December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted
me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What? Is she
nuts?!!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I
think
she's lying.


December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snow plow, l broke the
shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
bitch who
drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I
know
he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and
then he
comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over
where
I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols
with her
and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the damn snowplow.


December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @$#%^$&$@#$ slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God
I hate
the snow! Then the snow plow driver came by asking for a donation and
I hit
him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad
attitude. I
think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one
more
time, I'm going to kill her.


December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was
all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.


December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.


December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. MY WIFE is
driving
me crazy!!!!!


December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could
cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he
think I
am?


December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million
dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.


December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.


January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?