Thank You All....


I want to thank all of you for your educational
e-mails during this year. I am totally screwed
up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using
a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon
slices in my ice water without worrying about
the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because
I don’t know what the last person was doing while
flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because
I can only imagine what has happened on it since
it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has
been driving because the number one pastime while
driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip
because I can only imagine how many gallons of
Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has
placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me
the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes
because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can
I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it
to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to
die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change
once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/
Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.
Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake
up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet
or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only
get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of
my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca
Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along
to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl
in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people
who make these products are atheists who refuse
to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave
because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a
cup of water in the microwave anymore because it
will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I
sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone
will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex
since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone
will ask me to dial a number for which I will get
a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since
I now have their recipe. And, they charge $250
(two hundred and fifty) dollars for it, not $2.50.

THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but
mine because a big black snake could be lurking
under the seat and cause me instant death when
it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t even
pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because
it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas
from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and
buying gas from all the others supports South
American dictators.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid
I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my
hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least
144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large
dove with diarrhea will land on your head at
5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas
from 120 camels will infest your back, causing
you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will
occur because it actually happened to a
friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-
in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best
friend’s beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a
lengthy study, has discovered that people
with insufficient brain activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse..

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late..

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living
room, because I was told by e-mail that water
splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.