"This is your Captain speaking. I am sorry, but we are about to crash,
since I allowed the aircraft to run out of fuel.

But don't worry, I am just the sort of experienced safe pair of hands
you need to get us down safely, and I will be personally taking charge
of the evacuation, and fire fighting, since I have more experience in
****ing in the wind than all of the rest of the cabin crew put together.

Oh, and don't listen to that young shaver in the cabin. Being able to
fly an F16 and having won the Red Bull air races is no substitute for
sitting the in the cockpit of a 747 or wandering down the aisle in my
smart uniform, letting the autopilot do all the work, and forgetting to
look at the fuel gauges.

Finally, I give you my personal commitment to ensure that if the plane
goes down, we all die equally horribly. A Fair and Equal policy will not
allow me to rescue one person if I cannot rescue all. So once I have got
out of the burning plane, there will be a period of consultation done by
an independent Quango, and, if its conclusion is that we cannot rescue
everyone, you will all be left to die horribly. But fairly."

Gordon "A Fairer Airline" Brown..