"Stormin Mormon" wrote in message
...
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who
was visiting
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be
selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in
sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's
table asking
directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that
the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I
could have free
beer during the tasting. So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

__________________________________________________ _______

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

__________________________________________________ _______

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken
seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure
what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they
saw the look on my face.
__________________________________________________ ________

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of
peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now
get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my
backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from
all the beer.
__________________________________________________ __________

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is
starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili
an
aphrodisiac?

__________________________________________________ _____

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili
had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off?
It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
__________________________________________________ ______

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spice
and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic.
Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried
it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel
my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
__________________________________________________ _

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in
a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I
am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress
as he is
cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like
**** to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what
killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm
not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
__________________________________________________ __

CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili,
safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number
3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have
reacted to a
really hot chili?




It seems every year this makes it's rounds and it still leaves me with my
sides hurting and eyes watering from laughing so hard.....