RACCOONS: dig up the old lady's annual flower garden, **** all over
the decks, and tear up the cushions on deck furniture. Why? On three
sides of this property, there are woods, farmland, ponds, and streams
..... a wildlife paradise; yet they sometimes get on the roof and try
to access the house. Why? Yes, I'll anti-freeze them and don't care
who likes it.

WOODCHUCKS: are even worse digging burrows near the east side property
line, but at least they have an excuse with the row of mulberry trees
that defines that property line. Still, it's a bitch dodging the
burrows on the tractor. I set a record this year by killing seven of
them, two of whom while they were mating on -- believe it or not --
Valentine's Day. Heh.

WHITETAIL: deer can be dangerous, especially in autumn. One decided
to live under a deck. He had an injured leg. He had absolutely no
fear and would approach the old lady while she played in the perennial
flower garden. Shotgun blasts did not scare him. One day while on a
deck, I dropped a 10 lb. barbell plate on him. He was quick enough to
dodge it but he finally got the message. He spent a few days down
below by the pond but then disappeared.

WILLIE THE WILD TURKEY: adopted us one summer. He terrorized the
cats, attacked his own reflection in auto bumpers, and slept on the
roof, even in thunderstorms. The only good thing about Willie was
that he exterminated most of the cricket population.

ASSORTED SMALL BIRDS: attack their reflections in windows and really
create a mess. This year, a robin, last year, a lady cardinal, the
year before that, a song sparrow.

Still, some wildlife is enjoyable. Young turkey vultures are friendly
and inquisitive while you work outside. Their parents demonstrate a
high degree of surgical skill extracting a brain from a deceased
woodchuck or raccoon through the decedent's eye sockets. Interesting
to observe. Then there were the pheasants strutting and eating a ton
of bugs but they suddenly and mysteriously disappeared 20-25 years
ago.