This afternoon I tried to find some sort of tool in my garage (I forget what
it was). The search was more difficult than it should be. The original
owner of the house was a "NEATNESS FREAK". He had the builder install a
solid wall of cupboards on the back and sides of the garage. This is well
and good . . . . EXCEPT . . . he put doors on them. Shelves - - - yes.
Cupboards . . . NO. Instead of standing in the middle of the garage and
doing a 180 degree scan (possible with shelves), I spent a fair amount of
time opening doors and rummaging through the contents.



Which brings up the subject of this rant: unnecessary, unneeded,
unremembered, unexplainable tools. I couldn't believe the amount of
gadgetry that has silted up the cabinet space in this garage since we bought
the place. Someday I'll make an inventory of all this accumulated lunacy.
In the meantime, it's interesting to contemplate the reasons for buying this
stuff in the first place. It seems to fall into four categories:



1) TOOLS THAT HAVE BEEN REPLACED BY SOMETHING BETTER: I feel pretty
good about these. They did their job when I needed them. Here is a pair of
oil stones. They were replaced by a set of Japanese water stones which was
an excellent sharpening system until I was clued in to "Scarey Sharp T".
Several thin bladed bow saws (scroll saws) enabled me to do so some fairly
exotic curved pieces (break arch cabinets, cabriole legs). It took a while,
but they got the job done. Then I bought a Delta 16-inch band saw which
does a great job on hardwood, softwood, PVC, frozen hamburger and dried
gourds. I don't know how I ever got along without it.



2) TOOLS THAT SERVED THEIR PURPOSE FOR A ONE-TIME PROJECT: Mostly
little stuff. A lot of router bits used to match molding or trim; a heat
gun for curing epoxy on a cedar strip canoe. A large box of artifacts from
tiling a 400 square foot kitchen. This includes sponges, chalk line,
trowels and a diamond saw blade for a wet saw. I rented the saw, bought the
blade (it was expensive) and can't bring myself to throw it away and (God
willing) will never use again. If I ever even think of tackling a tile job
again, I hope someone whacks me upside the head with a tire tool (I have one
of those too).



3) TOOLS ACQUIRED FOR A PROJECT THAT NEVER GOT OFF THE GROUND: A
tapered auger bit - - I seriously intended to tackle a Windsor chair. A 2
3/4 -inch forstner bit in it's own nifty little wooden box with dovetail
joints. A boat builders slick which weights about as much as the M-1 I
carried in the army and twice as dangerous. What's the point of starting
(or even contemplating) a new project unless it provides an opportunity to
expand the tool inventory?



4) TOTALLY IRRATIONAL Y-CHROMOSOME TOOLS: These suckers hook us
because they are so damned good looking. Successful business plans have
been built around selling this stuff. The good folks at Bridge City Tool
Works, Restoration Hardware, Brookstone , Lei Neilson Tools, Sharper Image
and Sur le Table have raised the merchandising of cute but unnecessary or
over designed gadgetry to an art form. My stuff that fits this list
include a tri-square that looks like it belongs in an orchestra,
hand-crafted block planes, several exotic-looking spokeshaves, and one of
the sexiest sanding blocks to come down the pike. These things don't have
to be useful or even logical. They're like surgically augmented breasts on
women which automatically and inexplicably activate the drool reflex. I
just turned up an exquisitely crafted adjustable dovetail joint template.
British made. "Collett Engineering, Mount Hawke, Truro, Cornwall". Brass
and brushed steel with a satin finish. It's beautiful. Spending money on
this thing makes about as much sense as lug nuts on a birthday cake. In
five metric minutes I could make one that would cost nothing - - in fact it
would save me money. All I need is a protractor, straight edge, exacto
knife and my wife's credit card.



The real problem here is STORAGE SPACE. I know deep down in my heart of
hearts that there is no way in hell that I'll stop buying these things. I
also know that I will never sell, contribute or discard anything that even
remotely looks like a tool. Meanwhile, inside the house (where it is air
conditioned), my wife is working on her "Imelda Marcos Memorial Shoe
Collection" the components, of which; she will never sell, contribute or
discard.



I seem to recall that the maximum size that a fish will grow to is
determined by the size of it's aquarium. My garage has reached its max as
far as a mega-tool inventory goes. . A bandsaw, shopsmith, workbench and
homemade table saw have pretty much filled the available space between the
back wall and the front bumpers of a couple of vehicles. There are still
all sorts of nooks and crannies in cupboards and cabinets for the inevitable
purchases of irresistible little purchases that I definitely don't need but
am certain to buy.