Eigenvector wrote:
....

...That part the really ****es me off about weeds is that
they grow so nicely in the garden, under the eaves, in the bushes, but they
don't seem to grow in the lawn to fill in those dead spots that I
perennially have.

That's undoubtedly because those dead spots have something locally wrong
with them -- there's a rock just underneath the surface, a bunch of clay
left over from the basement dig, too acidic/basic, any number of other
things. If it's significant, find the problem(1) and fix it and you'll
have weeds galore!

(1) To adequately determine what the problem really is might entail a
soil sample if a little digging doesn't uncover an obvious cause...

--