"Morris Dovey" wrote:

That's a tough argument to make to Americans, Bob. In the restored
(British) Governor's Mansion in Colonial Williamsburg, in the

Seen elsewhere, but relevant to this discussion:

BRITS REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE

A Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of
America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not
fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to
a British Crown Dependency, the following! rules are introduced with
immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter
'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half
the letters, and the suffix 'ize' ; will be replaced by the suffix
'ise'.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary). Using the same twenty-seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is
an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no
such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf.The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will
relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not
grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable
peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public.

Permits for vegetable peelers must be obtained from the R.C.M.P.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the
benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will
help you understand the British sense of humour.

The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and t! hose things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred
to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will
be referred to as Lager. American ! brands will be referred to as
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion. British Bitter will be served at room temperature.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt E! nglish
dialogue
in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's
ears removed with a cheese grater. You will cease playing American
football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it
soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or weari! ng full
kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reason! able to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

John

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