OT - Humour: Tool definitions - long
 

Does have some woodworking tools.

1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
that freshly painted part you were drying.

2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the work bench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time
it takes you to say, "Ouch..."

3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age.

4. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

6. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.

7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out
of.

8. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground
after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the
jack handle firmly under the front fender.

9. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle
upward off a hydraulic jack.

10. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.

11. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool
for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your
boot.

12. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt
holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

13. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the
tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have
forgotten to disconnect.

14. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH Screwdriver: A large motor mount prying
tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on
the end without the handle.

15. ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid
from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining
that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

16. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

17. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone
in, and rounds them off.

18. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

19. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

20. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts
not far from the object we are trying to hit.

21. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

22. BELT SANDER: tool for introducing deep and randomly positioned
marks into the expensive piece of hardwood you spent most of the
previous day machining.

23. THICKNESSING PLANER: tool for removing belt sander marks from
expensive hardwoods, usually leaving them 3-4mm too thin to be of any
practical use.

24. PHONE: tool for calling suppliers to make sure that you bought the
last piece of expensive hardwood in the country.

25. SPRAY GLUE GUN: Mainly used to attach wood veneer effect laminate
to MDF in an attempt to make it look like a piece of expensive
hardwood.

26. LAMINATE TRIMMER: High speed rotary tool used for removing parts
of knuckles whilst simultaneously chewing up the edge of previously
laminated MDF boards.

27. SKIP: Large device used to ensure nobody else knows about any of
the above.

OT - Humour: Tool definitions - long
 

Here in Kentucky, Vice Grips Are a standard replacement part for doors
in Ye Olde Truck. Replaces; Window crank handles, Lock knobs, Latch
handles and when the latch completely falls out, Tie a piece of rope
or leather belt to the door and use the Vice Grips to attach the other
end to the seat or the dash or a concrete block that you know will not
roll around and dump your kids out on the road when you make a left
turn. The Vice Grips are much quicker to release than trying to untie
that Boy Scout knot when your carburetor catches fire.
It's a matter of safety.
Practicing safe gripping everywhere.

OT - Humour: Tool definitions - long
 

wrote in message

Here in Kentucky, Vice Grips Are a standard replacement part for doors
in Ye Olde Truck. Replaces; Window crank handles,

I once rode around in an old potato chip van (Louisiana tags) that used a
single pair of vice-grips to gain entry, then for a gear shift, then, upon
stopping, to open the door(s), or to open the hood. It also had two full
sized couches (the kind you see folks put on the side of the road in hopes
someone will pick it up) for passengers comfort. My youngest daughter, about
3 at the time, upon stepping into said conveyance for the first time, made
one of those remarks that become family lore - "Look Daddy, a furniture
store!".

--
www.e-woodshop.net
Last update: 11/06/05

OT - Humour: Tool definitions - long
 

OT - Humour: Tool definitions - long
 

wrote:
Here in Kentucky, Vice Grips Are a standard replacement part for doors
in Ye Olde Truck.

Son, it isn't just Kentucky. My old boss here in Florida used to have
an old van that used a pair of Vise Grips as replacement interior door
handles. The van was old and the Vise Grips were cheaper than
replacement handles.

I was born in Sunfish, Kentucky so I know all about jury rigging things
when you are too poor to afford to do otherwise. I remember my Dad
stringing a wire from the house out to the tree in the front yard every
Saturday evening so we could get the Grand Ol' Opry radio broadcast
from Nashville. He used to tell people we lived so far back in the
woods that we didn't get the Opry until Tuesday night.

I remember my parents' dismay when more and more of the Sears Roebuck
catalogue included slick paper that we could not use as toilet paper in
our two-holer outhouse. When Dad built that outhouse he didn't own a
saw that would allow him to cut out a circle for the holes. He bored a
series of connecting holes in a circle to create the opening. When you
stood up you had a scalloped edge around your butt.

Dick Durbin

OT - Humour: Tool definitions - long
 

I have bought about 100 Vice grips over the years. Don't have a pair to
my name right now. They are spread all over this area of the country in
vehicles I used to own. Jeep Cherokees (the old Tonka looking ones), a
Dodge Ramcharger, a couple of Chevy p-ups, a couple of Ford p-ups (very
familiar with rigging the 3 speed shift rods), an Elcamino, etc.

I was born in Calhoun, Kentucky. The Green River runs through so I also
have first-hand knowledge that Vice Grips work equally as well on
boats,,, and other floating crap-oops! CRAFT.

Tom in KY wishing for a new pair of Vice Grips right now.

OT - Humour: Tool definitions - long
 

On Thu, 08 Dec 2005 05:35:28 +0200, Phil Hansen
wrote:

Does have some woodworking tools.

[all snipped]

Geez. The original by Peter Egan that appeared in Road & Track in
April '96 was much better.

--
LRod

Master Woodbutcher and seasoned termite

Shamelessly whoring my website since 1999

http://www.woodbutcher.net

Proud participant of rec.woodworking since February, 1997

OT - Humour: Tool definitions - long
 

LRod wrote:
Geez. The original by Peter Egan that appeared in Road & Track in
April '96 was much better.

I much prefer the real original that was published in about 1902 in
Collier's. Or was it the Police Gazette?

OT - Humour: Tool definitions - long
 

My FIL used a hammer to "Just peck on it a bit" when the starter was
quiet.

On Thu, 08 Dec 2005 10:08:37 -0500, Greg wrote:

said:

Here in Kentucky, Vice Grips Are a standard replacement part for doors
in Ye Olde Truck. Replaces; Window crank handles, Lock knobs snip

And don't forget wrangling those blasted rods into proper position
when the bushings wear out on the three-on-the-tree shifter...

For pounding on the intermittent starter relay...

And as a temporary (?) battery terminal clamp to replace those that
are corroded beyond recognition.


Greg G.