A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck
came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the
driver's door of the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his
cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a
policeman pulled up.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started
screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the
day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same,
no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his
head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you
lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that
you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is
missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"My God!" screamed the lawyer.

(scroll down)
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"WHERE'S MY ROLEX...?"

Part of Air Canada's recent settlement with the Unions was hiring
handicapped people. So the other day passengers on a small commuter
plane were waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opened, and
two men walked up the aisle dressed in pilots' uniforms and both
wearing dark glasses. One pilot was using a seeing-eye dog, and the
other was tapping a white cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some
sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster down the runway, and people at the windows
realize that they are headed straight for the water at the edge of the
airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it
will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that
moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax
and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into
their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good
hands.

Up front in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says,
"You know Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late,
and we're all going to die...."

The Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him
for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an
occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since
it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear
anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his
missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows
sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million
bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the
10 million dollar is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking
about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what
you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to
the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure
if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a
brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard
in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull
the trigger."

[
ED ZACHARY DISEASE

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had
not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid
she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek
the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known
Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said,
"OK, take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to
odderside of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass
back to me."

So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your
probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr.
Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease
is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."
]

[
This is the fairy tale that should have been read to little girls!


Once upon a time,
~~~~~~~~
in a land far away,
~~~~~~~~
a beautiful, independent,
~~~~~~~~
self-assured princess
~~~~~~~~
happened upon a frog as she sat,
~~~~~~~~
contemplating ecological issues
~~~~~~~~
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
~~~~~~~~
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
~~~~~~~~
and said: Elegant Lady,
~~~~~~~~
I was once a handsome prince,
~~~~~~~~
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however,
~~~~~~~~
and I will turn back
~~~~~~~~
into the dapper, young prince that I am
~~~~~~~~
and then, my sweet, we can marry
~~~~~~~~
and setup housekeeping in your castle
~~~~~~~~
with my mother,
~~~~~~~~
where you can prepare my meals,
~~~~~~~~
clean my clothes, bear my children,
~~~~~~~~
and forever feel grateful
~~~~~~~~
and happy doing so.
~~~~~~~~
That night,
~~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs
~~~~~~~~
seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
and onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~
I don't friggin think so...
]

[
This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife
looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some
time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies. "He's my Ex-husband and has been drinking like that
since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody
could celebrate that long."

Services will be held at 2:30 pm Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary
]

[
Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil
change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

***************************************
Oil Change instructions for Men:


1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
oil, filter,
kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00.

2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00,
drive
home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms
in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty
litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
filter and
twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere
from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to
avoid
environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
change
tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag
pan full
of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back
yard
instead of taking it to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket
surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard
along with
drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
patch of
ground to avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower
gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty
litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
oily rag used
to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain
plug and
bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August
(2002).

36) More beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
during steps
23-43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total: $4165.00
]

"Cliff" wrote in message
...
: [
: Oil Change instructions for Women:
:
: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
the
: last oil
: change.
:
: 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
:
: 3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly
maintained
: vehicle.
:
: Money spent:
:
: Oil Change $20.00
: Coffee $1.00
: Total $21.00
:
: ***************************************
: Oil Change instructions for Men:
:
:
: 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case
of
: oil, filter,
: kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
: $50.00.
:
: 2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for
$20.00,
: drive
: home.
:
: 3) Open a beer and drink it.
:
: 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
:
: 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
:
: 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
:
: 7) Place drain pan under engine.
:
: 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
:
: 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
:
: 10) Unscrew drain plug.
:
: 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and
arms
: in process. Cuss.
:
: 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
: Throw kitty
: litter on spilled oil.
:
: 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
:
: 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
:
: 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
: filter and
: twist off.
:
: 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing
oil
: everywhere
: from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can
to
: avoid
: environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
:
: 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish
oil
: change
: tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
:
: 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."
Drag
: pan full
: of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in
back
: yard
: instead of taking it to recycle.
:
: 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
:
: 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
:
: 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
:
: 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil
to
: gasket
: surface.
:
: 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
:
: 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
:
: 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
:
: 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back
yard
: along with
: drain plug.
:
: 27) Drink beer.
:
: 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel
oily
: patch of
: ground to avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn
mower
: gas.
:
: 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
Throw
: kitty
: litter on oil spill.
:
: 30) Drink beer.
:
: 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
: oily rag used
: to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening
drain
: plug and
: bang knuckles on frame.
:
: 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
:
: 33) Begin cussing fit.
:
: 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
:
: 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August
: (2002).
:
: 36) More beer.
:
: 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop
blood
: flow.
:
: 38) Beer.
:
: 39) Beer.
:
: 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
:
: 41) Beer.
:
: 42) Lower car from jack stands.
:
: 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
:
: 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
: during steps
: 23-43.
:
: 45) Beer.
:
: 46) Test drive car.
:
: 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
:
: 48) Car gets impounded.
:
: 49) Call loving wife, make bail.
:
: 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
:
: Money spent:
:
: Parts $50.00
: DUI $2500.00
: Impound fee $75.00
: Bail $1500.00
: Beer $40.00
: Total: $4165.00
: ]

JiffyLube costs $42.39 for "Signature Service", including tax.

Modern Man's method of oil change.

Remind wife it is lady's day at the oil pit (she get's a free car wash).

DONE!

"Kathy" wrote in message
...

"Cliff" wrote in message
...
: [
: Oil Change instructions for Women:
:
: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
the
: last oil
: change.
:
: 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
:
: 3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly
maintained
: vehicle.
:
: Money spent:
:
: Oil Change $20.00
: Coffee $1.00
: Total $21.00
:
: ***************************************
: Oil Change instructions for Men:
:
:
: 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case
of
: oil, filter,
: kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
: $50.00.
:
: 2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for
$20.00,
: drive
: home.
:
: 3) Open a beer and drink it.
:
: 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
:
: 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
:
: 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
:
: 7) Place drain pan under engine.
:
: 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
:
: 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
:
: 10) Unscrew drain plug.
:
: 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and
arms
: in process. Cuss.
:
: 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
: Throw kitty
: litter on spilled oil.
:
: 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
:
: 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
:
: 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
: filter and
: twist off.
:
: 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing
oil
: everywhere
: from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can
to
: avoid
: environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
:
: 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish
oil
: change
: tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
:
: 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."
Drag
: pan full
: of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in
back
: yard
: instead of taking it to recycle.
:
: 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
:
: 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
:
: 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
:
: 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil
to
: gasket
: surface.
:
: 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
:
: 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
:
: 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
:
: 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back
yard
: along with
: drain plug.
:
: 27) Drink beer.
:
: 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel
oily
: patch of
: ground to avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn
mower
: gas.
:
: 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
Throw
: kitty
: litter on oil spill.
:
: 30) Drink beer.
:
: 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
: oily rag used
: to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening
drain
: plug and
: bang knuckles on frame.
:
: 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
:
: 33) Begin cussing fit.
:
: 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
:
: 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August
: (2002).
:
: 36) More beer.
:
: 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop
blood
: flow.
:
: 38) Beer.
:
: 39) Beer.
:
: 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
:
: 41) Beer.
:
: 42) Lower car from jack stands.
:
: 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
:
: 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
: during steps
: 23-43.
:
: 45) Beer.
:
: 46) Test drive car.
:
: 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
:
: 48) Car gets impounded.
:
: 49) Call loving wife, make bail.
:
: 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
:
: Money spent:
:
: Parts $50.00
: DUI $2500.00
: Impound fee $75.00
: Bail $1500.00
: Beer $40.00
: Total: $4165.00
: ]

JiffyLube costs $42.39 for "Signature Service", including tax.

[
The Operator received a call from a somewhat irate and
very worried Pacific Islander who it seems needed some
urgent marriage guidance. The call went like this:

Telecom: How may we help you?

Customer: I haff a big problem with my phone bill. My wife,
she think I haffing an affair!

Telecom: Okay Sir, and how can we help you with this?

Customer: My bill haff all these calls to Salulah and my
wife think I haffing an affair with this woman, but I
never heard of her before. I need to trace these calls
please.

Telecom: Sir, I'm sorry but the bill won't actually tell
you the name of the person you're calling, just their
number.

Customer: This one does.

Telecom: What phone do you have, Sir?

Customer: A mobile. I tell you this.

Telecom: No, Sir, what make? What do you have in your
hands?

Customer: An erection.

After a moment's silence, the gallant Telecom worker
continued.

Telecom: Um, sir? Could you spell that for me?

Customer: For sure - E..R..I..C..S..S..O..N. Erection.

Another moment's silence from Telecom, and suddenly the
penny dropped.

Telecom: Sir? Can you spell Salulah for me?

Customer: For sure. C..E..L..L..U..L..A...R. Salulah.
The end of the conversation was unfortunately not
reported.
]

[
[
Here's a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
girl and some construction workers. This will make you believe that
we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day,
a construction crew came in and began building a house on the empty
lot. The family's 5-year-old daughter became interested in all the
activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
workers. Eventually, the construction crew, all of them
gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they took coffee
and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to
make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, the men presented her with a pay
envelope which contained $2.00. The little girl took this home to her
mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration, and
suggested that they take the money she received to the bank to start a
savings account.

When they talked to the bank teller, she was equally impressed and
asked the little girl how she had earned her very own pay check at
such a young age.

The child proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building
the house next door to us." My goodness gracious, "said the teller,
"and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever
deliver the ****in' sheet rock."
]

Cliff wrote:


Here's a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
girl and some construction workers. This will make you believe that
we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day,
a construction crew came in and began building a house on the empty
lot. The family's 5-year-old daughter became interested in all the
activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
workers. Eventually, the construction crew, all of them
gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they took coffee
and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to
make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, the men presented her with a pay
envelope which contained $2.00. The little girl took this home to her
mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration, and
suggested that they take the money she received to the bank to start a
savings account.

When they talked to the bank teller, she was equally impressed and
asked the little girl how she had earned her very own pay check at
such a young age.

The child proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building
the house next door to us." My goodness gracious, "said the teller,
"and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever
deliver the ****in' sheet rock."

I was expecting - I'm not sure what - probably something nasty - but while I
never got to rolling on the proverbial floor, where I have been maybe twice
in my entire life (and it hurt), that had me laughing out loud, with actual
tears streaming down my face.

Good one.

http://www.moosepoop.net/index.html
--
Cliff

[
IRISH GAS STATION

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove
his new Ford Excursion into an Irish gas station. An
attendant greeted him in typical
Irish manner, unaware of whom the golf pro was. "Top of the
mornin' to ya!" the Irishman smiled, doffing his cap.

As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out
of his pocket.

"So what are those, lad?" asked the attendant.

"They're called tees." replied Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquired the
Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," said
Tiger.

"AW! Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!!" exclaimed the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas at FORD think of everything!!!"
]

[
Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a
young man, aspired to become a priest, but fled to the United States
and joined the Army during WWII. He spent two years co-piloting B17s
until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.
Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving
spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.



After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa,
piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across
the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an
explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went
down into the mine to administer last rites to those too severely
injured to move. Another shaft collapsed and he was buried for three
days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right
eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a
life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.



Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a
scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never
ascend to the Papacy. Why? Because no one wants a one-eyed,
one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.
]

[
STORIES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to
her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the
color of happiness, child thought about this for a moment, then said,
"So why is the groom wearing black?"

##############

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as
she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she
prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please
don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped
on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran
she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be
late...But please don't shove me either!" ###############

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The
first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he
calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few
words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight
people to collect all the money!"

##############

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she
requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her
memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was
alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

##############

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if
you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."

##############

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took
Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't
get a baby sitter."

##############

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy
father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches
us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one
little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

#############

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when
they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in
the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and
said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have
pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

###########

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think
about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know
how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.
]

[
Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print
in
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. ! Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure
your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they
sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for
years-canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's
butt.
I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you , my dear pets, I have posted the following message on
our
front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our
Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs
and
cats are better than kids...they eat less, don't ask for money all the
time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your
car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink,
don't
worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your
clothes,
and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get
pregnant, you can sell the children.
]

[
15 things to do at Wallmart while your spouse/partner is taking
their sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when
they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
restrooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in housewares......and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other
shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the
bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why
can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick
your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if
he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the
theme from "Mission Impossible."

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.

13.Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the
fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last but not least

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while
and then yell loudly "There is no toilet paper in here!"
]

[
1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.

2. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always
circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment
from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain
and check that it has gone.

3. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to
the object you wish to view.

4. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

5. Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,
but you'll also be getting paid for it.

6. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f******g
thing in the first place, you fat b ******* .

7. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning
after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the
wall.

8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home
by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,
then urinating into it, before jumping in.

9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

10. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of
lard.

11. Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start
eating cakes again.

12. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.

13. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by
running a bit slower.

14. Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your
next fag from the butt of your last one.

15. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of
steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn,
meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't
know the difference.

16. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of
cartoons first, then read the rest in a random order.

17. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

18. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your roof.

19. 'Smart' car drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your
car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems
anyway, so it may as well look like one.

20. A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep.
]

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become
detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows
the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hides it. "This
is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because
he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his
profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture
for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your
suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too
easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?! Of
course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of
his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

The two blondes look at one another dumbfounded.

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third
blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how
would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving
me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,
"Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't
know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well,
that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I
check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file
in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. He
is excited that he was able to at least pass one of these three blonde
applicants.

"Wow!" he says. "I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in
fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an
astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses
because he only has one eye and one ear."

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,
her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared
and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and
that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their
family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble
set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The
seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He
held our a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your
thimble?" the Lord asked? Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The
Lord reached down again and came up with a humble leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman honesty and gave her all three
thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along
the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared
under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked
her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is
this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is
an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is
a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you
would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you
would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would
have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would
not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said
'yes' to Mel Gibson."

MORAL: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason,
and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're
sticking to it.