Something lighthearted.
Taken from issue 110 of the Australian Model Engineer:

Understanding Engineers
Take 1 - To the optimist the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the
glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it
needs to be.
Take 2 - Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke it doesn't have enough
features yet.
Take 2 - What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build
targets.

Courtesy the Editor David Proctor

GeoffH
Norfolk - UK

Engineering Guide


Engineers Explained





People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other
people. This can be frustrating to the non-technical people who have to
deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to
understand their motivations. This will help to teach you everything you
need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them,
much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the
hassle of grooming.




Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The
word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who
you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern
the truth.




ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST




You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked.


You...




A. Straighten it.


B. Ignore it.


C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered,
self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the
inventor of the nail was a total moron.




The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who
writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole
stupid thing on "Marketing."




SOCIAL SKILLS




Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.




"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social
interaction:




*Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation


*Important social contacts


*A feeling of connectedness with other humans




In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for
social interactions:




*Get it over with as soon as possible.


*Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.


*Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.




FASCINATION WITH GADGETS




To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two
categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will need
to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.


Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily
available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't
understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features
yet.




No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it
would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower
without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering
unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized
and feature-poor toys.




FASHION AND APPEARANCE




Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic
thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no
appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary
glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has
been met. Anything else is a waste.




LOVE OF "STAR TREK"




Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a
small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed
as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more
glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from
the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.




DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE




Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various
indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of
attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above
function.




Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized
as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest,
and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would
prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbour an intense desire
to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have
high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.




Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal
men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late
forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in
technical professions:




* Bill Gates.


* MacGyver.


* Etcetera.




Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that
way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a
warm day.




HONESTY




Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human
relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from
customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.




Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that
sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to
believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.




"I won't change anything without asking you first."


"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."


"I have to have new equipment to do my job."


"I'm not jealous of your new computer."




FRUGALITY




Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean
spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in
optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the
greatest amount of cash?"




POWERS OF CONCENTRATION




If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to
concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in
the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead
prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech. areas have started checking
resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical
engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the
lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.




RISK




Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is
understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the
media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.




EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS




* Hindenberg.


* Space Shuttle Challenger.


* SPANet(tm)


* Hubble space telescope.


* Apollo 13.


* Titanic.


* Ford Pinto.


* Corvair.




The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:




RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.


REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.




Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards
and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by
advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are
far too complicated to explain.




If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will
fall back to a second line of defence: "It's technically possible but it
will cost too much."



EGO




Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:


* How smart they are.


* How many cool devices they own.




The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the
problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem
until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the
engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal --
a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.




Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem.
(Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving
the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex--and
I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.




Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that
somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that
knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an
engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's
not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the
engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these
lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult
technical problems."




At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between
the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a
starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

In article , John Manders says...

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife *and* a mistress,

you can tell your wife you're with your mistress, tell your
mistress you're with your wife, and then slip off to the
IBM T.J. Watson Labs, and *really* get some work done!

Did I just say that?

Jim

==================================================
please reply to:
JRR(zero) at yktvmv (dot) vnet (dot) ibm (dot) com
==================================================

The wife finally talks her engineer husband to take a day off
and go shopping at the mall with her and the kids.
After about an hour he spots a bookstore and tells his wife
that he will be there and to come a get him when they are done.
She agrees reluctantly, thinking that atleast he is relaxing.

While he is poking around in the bookstore a good looking sexy lady
comes up to him and they starts talking. After a while she says that
she has an apartment right across the street from the mall and suggests
that they could "talk" better there.

Once at the apartment they start fooling around and just when things are
getting hot and heavy he jumps up and starts yelling about how
this is wrong and how much he loves his wife and family. He get dresssed
and runs back to the mall.

As he is entering the bookstore he freezes. There is a wife looking
around for him and she spots him comming in. He decided that the best
thing is to confess and beg forgiveness.

He goes right up to her and say that he got picked up by a sexy woman
and she took him back to her apartmant and started to make love to him.

She looks him straight in the eye and say, " Dont give me that crap, you
sneaked back the the lab to get some more work done, didn't you".

A Catholic, a Muslim, and an engineer were sentenced to death on the
guillotine. The operators of the death machine customarily gave each client
the choice of whether he would lay face up or face down. First up, the
Muslim goes "I wish to look up into the eyes of Allah". Click, swooosh,
CLANK! goes the blade as it stops within a couple of feet from the bottom.
Praise be to Allah, his will must was done - the Muslim goes free.

Next comes the catholic and he states, "I wish to behold the beauty of the
heavenly skies as I look up to meet my maker". Again, click, swooosh,
CLANK! as the blade stops before doing its job. Praise God - the Catholic
goes free.

As the engineer mounts the block, face up with a quizzical glance upward, he
goes, "Hey, I think I see your problem!"

Bob Swinney



"John Manders" wrote in message
...
Yet more about us



Comprehending Engineers, --Take One



A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? "We must have been waiting
for
15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenkeeper. Let's have a word with
him."

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow,
aren't they?"

The greenkeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters.

They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"



************************************************** **********************



Comprehending Engineers-Take Two



There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he
happily
retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a
seemingly
impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar
machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine
fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on retired engineer
who
had solved so many of their problems in the past.



The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the
huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a
particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where
your
problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.



The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.

They demanded an itemised accounting of his charges. The engineer
responded
briefly:



One chalk mark $1

Knowing where to put it $49,999



It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.



************************************************** **********************



Comprehending Engineers-Take Three



The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"



The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"



The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"



The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with
that?"



************************************************** **********************



Comprehending Engineers-Take Four



Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just
look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems,
many
thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic
waste pipeline through a recreational area?



"************************************************* ************************



Comprehending Engineers-Take Five



An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he
enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
relationship.



The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion
and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."



"Both?"



Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume
you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the workshop
and get some work done."



************************************************** **********************



Comprehending Engineers-Take Six



An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer
rides
up on a shiny new motorcycle.



"Where did you get such a great bike?" asked the first.



The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding
my
own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the
bike
to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'"



The first engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice; the clothes probably

wouldn't have fit."

Love it, and it is the truth.

Robert P.E. PhD
"John Manders" wrote in message
...
Engineering Guide


Engineers Explained





People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other
people. This can be frustrating to the non-technical people who have to
deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is
to
understand their motivations. This will help to teach you everything you
need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them,
much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the
hassle of grooming.




Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The
word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who
you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern
the truth.




ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST




You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked.


You...




A. Straighten it.


B. Ignore it.


C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a
solar-powered,
self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that
the
inventor of the nail was a total moron.




The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who
writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole
stupid thing on "Marketing."




SOCIAL SKILLS




Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.




"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from
social
interaction:




*Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation


*Important social contacts


*A feeling of connectedness with other humans




In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for
social interactions:




*Get it over with as soon as possible.


*Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.


*Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.




FASCINATION WITH GADGETS




To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two
categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will
need
to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.


Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily
available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't
understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix
it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features
yet.




No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it
would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower
without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering
unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized
and feature-poor toys.




FASHION AND APPEARANCE




Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic
thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no
appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or
mammary
glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing
has
been met. Anything else is a waste.




LOVE OF "STAR TREK"




Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a
small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed
as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more
glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from
the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.




DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE




Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various
indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of
attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above
function.




Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely
recognized
as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest,
and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would
prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbour an intense
desire
to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have
high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.




Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal
men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late
forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in
technical professions:




* Bill Gates.


* MacGyver.


* Etcetera.




Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that
way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's
a
warm day.




HONESTY




Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human
relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from
customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the
truth.




Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that
sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected
to
believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.




"I won't change anything without asking you first."


"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."


"I have to have new equipment to do my job."


"I'm not jealous of your new computer."




FRUGALITY




Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or
mean
spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem
in
optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining
the
greatest amount of cash?"




POWERS OF CONCENTRATION




If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to
concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in
the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead
prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech. areas have started checking
resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical
engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the
lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.




RISK




Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is
understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the
media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.




EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS




* Hindenberg.


* Space Shuttle Challenger.


* SPANet(tm)


* Hubble space telescope.


* Apollo 13.


* Titanic.


* Ford Pinto.


* Corvair.




The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:




RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.


REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.




Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and
rewards
and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is
by
advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are
far too complicated to explain.




If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer
will
fall back to a second line of defence: "It's technically possible but it
will cost too much."



EGO




Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:


* How smart they are.


* How many cool devices they own.




The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that
the
problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable
problem
until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the
engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become
personal --
a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.




Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem.
(Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving
the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex--and
I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.




Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that
somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that
knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an
engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's
not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the
engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these
lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult
technical problems."




At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between
the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like
a
starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

The difference between cowboy boots and engineer boots?

The cowboy boots have the sh** on the outside!

####################
Keep the whole world singing. . .
Dan G
(remove the 7)



GeoffH wrote:
Something lighthearted.
Taken from issue 110 of the Australian Model Engineer:

Understanding Engineers
Take 1 - To the optimist the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the
glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it
needs to be.
Take 2 - Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke it doesn't have enough
features yet.
Take 2 - What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build
targets.

Courtesy the Editor David Proctor

GeoffH
Norfolk - UK

The difference between cowboy boots and engineer boots is that with cowboy
boots, the ****'s on the outside.

"GeoffH" wrote in message
...
Something lighthearted.
Taken from issue 110 of the Australian Model Engineer:

Understanding Engineers

No, I don't want too! g It's bad enough having to work with them.

JTMcC

John D. Farr wrote:
The difference between cowboy boots and engineer boots is that with cowboy
boots, the ****'s on the outside.

I'd watch my step if I were you. Only bikers
wear engineer boots around here.

On Tue, 07 Oct 2003 20:30:20 -0700, Jim Stewart
wrote:



John D. Farr wrote:
The difference between cowboy boots and engineer boots is that with cowboy
boots, the ****'s on the outside.

I'd watch my step if I were you. Only bikers
wear engineer boots around here.

Whats the diference between a Harley rider and a Hoover vacuum?
With the Hoover, the dirt bag is on the inside.

Gunner
Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt.

Buying your ticket

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At
the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three
engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The
accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a
restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door
opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor
takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the
conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and
save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station
they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you
going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three
accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one
nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to
the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says,
"ticket, please."


--

Regards,

Boris Mohar

Got Knock? - see:
Viatrack Printed Circuit Designs http://www3.sympatico.ca/borism/
Aurora, Ontario

A group of managers were ask to measure the height of a flagpole.
So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures,
and pretty soon they'er falling off the ladders, dropping the tape
measures - the whole thing is just a mess.
An engineer comes along and sees what they'er trying to do.
walks over. pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures
it from ene to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers,
and walks away.after the engineer leaves, one manager turns to
another and laughs, "Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking
for the height and he gives us the lenght,"

A busload of tourists were lumbering up a very bad, twisty road, high in the
andes. One of the passengers wondered who ever laid out such a road. The
tourguide overheard the question, and explained that when they need a road,
they just release a jackass, and build the road along the path it happens to
follow. Then the tourist asked, "But what if they don't happen to have a
jackass available?" The guide replied, "Then they hire an engineer."

A busload of tourists were lumbering up a very bad, twisty road, high in the
andes. One of the passengers wondered who ever laid out such a road. The
tourguide overheard the question, and explained that when they need a road,
they just release a jackass, and build the road along the path it happens to
follow. Then the tourist asked, "But what if they don't happen to have a
jackass available?" The guide replied, "Then they hire an engineer."